Not a good night….. part one of ?

Again not having a very good night, I’ve been having more of them then not lately. Things with work for crazy, I left one job for another one which turned out to be non-exhistant, I decided to wait the new job out and went through all our funds for gas to the point where I couldnt afford to go to work even if I had the opportunity to. But luckly I got my old job back, but I still have the gas issue to the point where I cant start until the 12th of March. This leaves us again with a money issue in general, I hate it when I have money problems…. my wife (who also has bipolar among other diagnoses) stresses over the budget which makes me stress even more over the budget. Not only because I want to make sure we have enough money as well but because when she starts to stress she starts to get unstable and begins to get panic attacks and gets depressed. Which starts a vicious cycle where I get the same and then none of us gets better.

On one… minor… good point, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning. No… im kidding it isnt a good point, I tend to get nothing out of therapy but I know its one of those necessary evils in life with bipolar disorder, that and medications. It just seems like its either pulling teeth talking to her or I have so much going on that I’m concerned that shes going to either suggest higher treatment or even worse hospitalization. Dont get me wrong, I’m not suicidal…. it just seems like I get these strange ideas or thoughts in my head of impulses… some good, some not so good. I do have very good impulse control for the extreme thoughts (like jumping off a building), smaller ones (like spending money) seem to get the best of me at times.

Did you notice the new look on this page? Yea I know I keep changing themes but I find it very hard to find one that I really like… so I decided to change it again. Hopefully it will be the last time I change it for a long time, I also dropped the “4 out of 5….” subtitle, it seemed like a good idea at the time but now it just seems stupid.

I’ve also been going back on the past lately, past mistakes, bad things that have happened to me and begin to get the same feelings that I had originally, when I lost my job at the ambulance company, when my grandparents died, my time with my alcholoic mother… other incidents and they’ve been causing some bad feelings lately.

I’m going to now before I bring up any more bad feelings before my therapy appointment tomorrow morning… I might write more lately and I’ll definately be on twitter for “The Voice” tonight.


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