Again not having a very good night, I’ve been having more of them then not lately. Things with work for crazy, I left one job for another one which turned out to be non-exhistant, I decided to wait the new job out and went through all our funds for gas to the point where I couldnt afford to go to work even if I had the opportunity to. But luckly I got my old job back, but I still have the gas issue to the point where I cant start until the 12th of March. This leaves us again with a money issue in general, I hate it when I have money problems…. my wife (who also has bipolar among other diagnoses) stresses over the budget which makes me stress even more over the budget. Not only because I want to make sure we have enough money as well but because when she starts to stress she starts to get unstable and begins to get panic attacks and gets depressed. Which starts a vicious cycle where I get the same and then none of us gets better.
On one… minor… good point, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning. No… im kidding it isnt a good point, I tend to get nothing out of therapy but I know its one of those necessary evils in life with bipolar disorder, that and medications. It just seems like its either pulling teeth talking to her or I have so much going on that I’m concerned that shes going to either suggest higher treatment or even worse hospitalization. Dont get me wrong, I’m not suicidal…. it just seems like I get these strange ideas or thoughts in my head of impulses… some good, some not so good. I do have very good impulse control for the extreme thoughts (like jumping off a building), smaller ones (like spending money) seem to get the best of me at times.
Did you notice the new look on this page? Yea I know I keep changing themes but I find it very hard to find one that I really like… so I decided to change it again. Hopefully it will be the last time I change it for a long time, I also dropped the “4 out of 5….” subtitle, it seemed like a good idea at the time but now it just seems stupid.
I’ve also been going back on the past lately, past mistakes, bad things that have happened to me and begin to get the same feelings that I had originally, when I lost my job at the ambulance company, when my grandparents died, my time with my alcholoic mother… other incidents and they’ve been causing some bad feelings lately.
I’m going to now before I bring up any more bad feelings before my therapy appointment tomorrow morning… I might write more lately and I’ll definately be on twitter for “The Voice” tonight.
The rest of high school wasn’t too eventful so lets just flash forward to college. It was in college I was first really diagnosed with a mental illness. I went to a college depression screening which led me to counseling courtesy of the university. I really only remember going to two or three sessions, I got absolutely nothing out of that experience. I kept for the most part to myself, made absolutely no friends there. It was always hard for me to make friends. It was during this time that I started to get sick, not going to classes, skipping assignments. Ultimately, I was placed on academic suspension and never returned. I was a theatre production major and had moved on to a new profession anyway, EMS.
A former friend of mine convinced me to join the local ambulance squad in the next town over. He said I’d meet women. I never met the one there but it led me to what little of a career I have today. Dates aren’t too clear with me but it was along this time that I’ve gotten sick again, this time leading to my first hospital admission. It was also this time that I made a huge jump and moved away from most of my friends and family at the time, needless to say it didn’t last long and I’ve moved back to the area I had left originally. Over this course of time I lost track of a good six months of my life as I was hospitalized more than I can remember.
Some people may think this is really pathetic, but dates really don’t stay in my memory. I don’t even remember when I met my wife. I only remember our wedding day sometimes because I have the date in my phone calendar.
So this brings me to today. I’m on meds (when I remember to take them) and therapy. I left a lot out I think, my alcoholic mother, my missing father but I don’t remember too many details to tell any stories.
Again I can’t sleep. Basically after taking the week off from working my wife and I (who also has bipolar, among other diagnosis) resulted to sleeping a majority of the days away, meaning I can’t sleep at night. So, I sit up… Ok, im laying on the floor of our bedroom (we don’t currently own a bed) and listening to the soundtrack to next to normal.
I noticed among other bloggers on twitter that its mental health awareness week, or at least I think it is, and the highlight of the week is talking about your illness.
So let me tell my story, or at least the first part of it…..
I don’t remember much from my childhood. Just glimpses of different events and what im reminded in pictures, which to my knowledge only cover before school aged.
From what I do remember is sad. I’ve also had little friends and for the most part didn’t let people in my life, that continues to this day. Through school I’ve been made fun of because of my size, my looks, and other things. But it wasn’t til high school where I really remember much of my past.
I was depressed alot, but I never told anyone. I only expressed it in my writing, especially for my English classes. Often I’d write a story where the main character met their demise by suicide. More than once it landed me in the guidance office and even once a visit with the school shrink. All those times I’d pass things off as an innocent story where in fact I needed help…..
I have a new obsession. Horse racing and no it’s not like you think. I hardly ever actually bet real money. I’ve been obsessed with the numbers behind the races, the odds, the placings, the payouts. I like to crunch the numbers and see what comes of them, its somewhat comforting to me… Especially when my thoughts run wild or I feel like I’m getting a little manic.
I’ve lost track again in my treatment team, I need to remember to call everyone on Monday to try to make appointments.
The wife is planning a Disney trip, she wanted to plan for December, but if next year is anything like this year snow will cause a issue. I got her to move it up to October instead.
My sisters cat is stalking us I swear. She sits hiding in our hallway waiting for one of us to leave the room then makes a dash to get in our bedroom. I don’t know why.
I’ve talked previously about This is our brave the show being produced about people with mental illness. Apparently I somehow got myself two free tickets! So now I must go… Lol