Happy New Year

What’s so happy about it.

Nothing much has changed from my last posting, I am still running out of my meds and have been forgetting more and more about taking my meds.

A new thing for me is the paranoia, I been thinking that people…. my friends… are out to get me. Like i’m being watched all the time waiting to do something wrong. I dont think the goverment is stealing my thoughts or anything silly like that. What makes me mad about the whole thing is that I know its 100% absurb. People aren’t out to get me, but that thought has been continously in the back of my head trying to break through common sense.

One good thing… I guess… im on yet another waiting list, this one shorter (3 weeks) for a therapist. I think with a good therapist things will start to look out better for me. But of course until then im on my own.

This week I havent been able to sleep more than 2 hours at a time, if I take meds (trazadone) I basically sleep all day which brings me to yet another problem.

I havent been wanting to get out of my room, let me explain my living situation a little. I live with my sister in her home with two friends of hers (a couple). I get anxious whenever I have to share the same space as my sister. WHY?!?! So I am basically make myself a prisoner in my own room. When I can I do get out of the house however for support group meetings and every weekend for volunteering as an EMT.

Volunteering, the only productive thing I do right now (im not working) is getting hard for me too, the paranoia that people are watching me and waiting for me to screw up is starting to get away from me. I’m afraid to treat patients and my partners are getting mad that I dont like them drive the ambulance.

But now its 5am and I’m sitting in the office at the EMS building listening to the rent soundtrack chatting in chatrooms talking about writing this article lol.